I have struggled to see my own worth. I have struggled with feeling worthy. I remember feeling as a teenager that I was unworthy to even drive a car. I had failed my restricted twice by that point and I decided - I came to the complete and final decision (in my mind) that I was never going to drive. I came in and said to mum that it was fine, I would just find a man who could drive, and then he could transport me everywhere. However, mum did not accept that this latest defeat was the end of my dreams of driving. She made me get back in the car that very afternoon. I will always remember mum saying to me, that there was no reason that I couldn't get my license. She said that I had as good a chance and ability as anyone else applying. Mum did not accept that I was unworthy, she did not accept that I was a lesser person for my failings. Her opinion mirrored God's heart. Later that week, while driving with Mum I felt God say to me "You are Worthy!" I got my license on the third go.
This is an important lesson to learn. God does not shame us or rebuke us for our failings - the areas in our lives where we struggle. The days where we get up, only to fall back down, flat on our faces. Instead, He is our greatest supporter. I believe that He is not waiting for us at the finish line of life. He is present throughout the entire great journey that is life. It is not a race, because it is not about coming first. I do not believe that we are supposed to run and run and run through life. I have done this and achieved nothing. Instead, life is a series of starts and stops. Sometimes God is a coach on the side-line, giving us instructions and life lessons. Other times, He subs us off because there is further physical training to endure - 50 press-ups, learning to jump over hurdles etc. Then there are the moments where He runs with us - this is where we are learning to truly listen to Him and then we feel His wings beneath our feet. But finally, there are the moments where He carries us. This is the low times in life, where we are in dark valleys that appear to have no end. Throughout it all, every season, He is there. He never fails, His mercy knows no bounds.
I felt this Psalm sums up what I am trying to say:
Psalm 31
In you, o Lord, I have taken refuge
let me never be put to shame
deliver me in your righteousness
....
But I trust in you, O Lord
I say, You are my God
My times are in your hands
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me
Let your face shine on your servant
Save me in your unfailing love
Amen
Thursday 12 February 2015
Monday 9 February 2015
Courageous Women #4 Jesus is in our boat with us!
George Muller said "Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. there is no glory for God in that which is humanely possible Faith begins were man's power end."
I listened to a sermon a few weeks back which was talking about the day that Jesus was sleeping in the boat while the disciples struggled with the storm. Mark 4:38 reads: Jesus was in the stern sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly still."
I've always found this passage hard to understand, why was Jesus asleep? Why did he let the disciples go through so much depth of feeling - so much fear and sense of danger before coming to their aid. Also, he did not jump to their aid, they had to wake him up!
The pastor discussed this and what he said really spoke to my soul. The pastor said that often in hard times we think - where is God in this? We can't see him and we feel alone. The pastor said that Jesus is right there with us, he is in our boat. The pastor said that it is often in those moments of complete desolation that we become acutely aware of our need for God. It is in that moment when you realise that there is nothing that you can physically do that you let go and let God. In the midst of our deepest darkest fears we are humbled enough to rely on God and that is when God can work His wonders.
What most amazes me about this is the patience that God has for us. He lies there in our boat, waiting for us to return to Him and admit our need for His strength, His love, His Spirit. What love is this? He never gives up on me..
I am loving Hawk Nelson's song, Oceans:
I want you as you are, not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering
Cause I am for you
I'm not against you
If you want to know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If want to see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean
Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you
Open your heart
It's time that we start again
You are precious to the God of the universe! He would stoop down to make you great, He loves you!
Hang in there - in the midst of your troubles remember the One who sleeps in your boat. Reach out and wake Him up. Jesus is never far away. He loves us with a passion.
Keep strong in His strength.
I listened to a sermon a few weeks back which was talking about the day that Jesus was sleeping in the boat while the disciples struggled with the storm. Mark 4:38 reads: Jesus was in the stern sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly still."
I've always found this passage hard to understand, why was Jesus asleep? Why did he let the disciples go through so much depth of feeling - so much fear and sense of danger before coming to their aid. Also, he did not jump to their aid, they had to wake him up!
The pastor discussed this and what he said really spoke to my soul. The pastor said that often in hard times we think - where is God in this? We can't see him and we feel alone. The pastor said that Jesus is right there with us, he is in our boat. The pastor said that it is often in those moments of complete desolation that we become acutely aware of our need for God. It is in that moment when you realise that there is nothing that you can physically do that you let go and let God. In the midst of our deepest darkest fears we are humbled enough to rely on God and that is when God can work His wonders.
What most amazes me about this is the patience that God has for us. He lies there in our boat, waiting for us to return to Him and admit our need for His strength, His love, His Spirit. What love is this? He never gives up on me..
I am loving Hawk Nelson's song, Oceans:
I want you as you are, not as you ought to be
Won't you lay down your guard and come to me
The shame that grips you now is crippling
It breaks my heart to see you suffering
Cause I am for you
I'm not against you
If you want to know
How far my love can go
Just how deep, just how wide
If want to see
How much you mean to me
Look at my hands, look at my side
If you could count the times I say you are forgiven
It's more than the drops in the ocean
Don't think you need to settle for a substitute
When I'm the only love that changes you
Open your heart
It's time that we start again
You are precious to the God of the universe! He would stoop down to make you great, He loves you!
Hang in there - in the midst of your troubles remember the One who sleeps in your boat. Reach out and wake Him up. Jesus is never far away. He loves us with a passion.
Keep strong in His strength.
Friday 23 January 2015
Courageous Women #3 Broken people
My mum reminded me of the verse in the Bible that talks specifically of God giving us a 'crown of beauty instead of ashes' I felt it was appropriate to share the passage from Isaiah 61 with you.
Isaiah 61 vs 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives & release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour
and the day of vengeance for our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting for the Lord for the display of His splendour
God is okay with our brokenness, we don't have to come before Him all perfect and 'clean'. "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8: 38-39). Life isn't a bunch of roses, I wish it was. I have asked God many times - "Why me?" I look at other couples that appear at least on the surface to be doing just fine - they have their occasional issues, sure, but not the deep underlying ones that I experienced in my own marriage. They trust each other, they feel secure, there is mutual respect. This is what I long for, a man of integrity, strength of heart and of character. A man after God's own heart. But right now, I have to deal with my own heart and mind. I have been wounded, and wounds need time to heal. You need two whole people in a relationship. John Legend has it right in his song 'All of me' when he sings "I give you all of me and you give me all of you." I remember hearing this song at my sister's wedding just before our trial separation and realising that while I was giving my all, because of his anger, and inability to let go of the past, he was only half a person and therefore he couldn't give his all into the relationship.
I have a much greater understanding now that I am on the other side of it, looking back, than when I was in the middle of it. That's why friends and family are so important. Find wise people that you can trust and talk to them about your relationship with your significant other. Often these people outside of the relationship can see things that you cannot - especially when you have your rose-tinted glasses on. Obviously there are some people that are always wanting to dramatise situations and cast a negative sheen on everything. Steer clear of these friends/family members. They will mean well but you need someone objective who will give advice out of reasoned logic rather than out of their own fears. I kept everything bottled up inside because I thought a good wife would not tattle on her husband. This is true for a lot of domestic fights/issues between partners. But when you are talking about violence of any kind and any form of manipulation - emotional or otherwise, you need to seek help. I cannot stress this enough. God does not want his women in abusive relationships - this is what my counsellor said a number of times during our sessions and it has stuck with me ever since. It has held me together when I faced opposition for leaving my husband. God remains the perfect example for us as seen in Joel 2: 12-13
“Yet even now,” declares the LORD,
“Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;
And rend your heart and not your garments.”
Now return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in loving kindness
And relenting of evil.
I will leave you this Scripture to ponder:
Joel 2:23-27
Isaiah 61 vs 1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has appointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives & release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour
and the day of vengeance for our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting for the Lord for the display of His splendour
God is okay with our brokenness, we don't have to come before Him all perfect and 'clean'. "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8: 38-39). Life isn't a bunch of roses, I wish it was. I have asked God many times - "Why me?" I look at other couples that appear at least on the surface to be doing just fine - they have their occasional issues, sure, but not the deep underlying ones that I experienced in my own marriage. They trust each other, they feel secure, there is mutual respect. This is what I long for, a man of integrity, strength of heart and of character. A man after God's own heart. But right now, I have to deal with my own heart and mind. I have been wounded, and wounds need time to heal. You need two whole people in a relationship. John Legend has it right in his song 'All of me' when he sings "I give you all of me and you give me all of you." I remember hearing this song at my sister's wedding just before our trial separation and realising that while I was giving my all, because of his anger, and inability to let go of the past, he was only half a person and therefore he couldn't give his all into the relationship.
I have a much greater understanding now that I am on the other side of it, looking back, than when I was in the middle of it. That's why friends and family are so important. Find wise people that you can trust and talk to them about your relationship with your significant other. Often these people outside of the relationship can see things that you cannot - especially when you have your rose-tinted glasses on. Obviously there are some people that are always wanting to dramatise situations and cast a negative sheen on everything. Steer clear of these friends/family members. They will mean well but you need someone objective who will give advice out of reasoned logic rather than out of their own fears. I kept everything bottled up inside because I thought a good wife would not tattle on her husband. This is true for a lot of domestic fights/issues between partners. But when you are talking about violence of any kind and any form of manipulation - emotional or otherwise, you need to seek help. I cannot stress this enough. God does not want his women in abusive relationships - this is what my counsellor said a number of times during our sessions and it has stuck with me ever since. It has held me together when I faced opposition for leaving my husband. God remains the perfect example for us as seen in Joel 2: 12-13
“Yet even now,” declares the LORD,
“Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;
And rend your heart and not your garments.”
Now return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in loving kindness
And relenting of evil.
I will leave you this Scripture to ponder:
Joel 2:23-27
Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.
The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed".
Tuesday 20 January 2015
Courageous Woman #2
Here is a poem I wrote for every single Woman who has ever been mistreated or abused in some way, whether physically or emotionally.
Courageous Woman
I see the truth behind those scars
The mask to hide your soul
With one word, you cut me to shreds
Your face cold
You left me for dead
You said it was all my fault
You said I had to change
Every action, every breath
Was criticised to death
You pulled me down to an inch of myself
You made me believe the lies
Till all my hopes all shrivelled up
Till all I knew was this
The pain, the chaos, the endless turmoil
Dreams like shattered mirrors
Your words expose my nakedness
I tried to defend my very being
You held up your hand and silenced me
I tried to scream, bellow, curse
Nothing I did would get through to you
You were caught in a web of deceit and hate
Where you twisted words and actions
And took everything personally
Where you were right and the world was wrong
Where the world hated you so you owed it nothing
One day I broke away
I ran down the road in the opposite direction
The further I got
The clearer my mind
The less that I missed
All that was behind
I saw it was you
It WAS NOT ME
Little by little I remembered
Who I was
My dreams, my hopes
I realised that I still had a future
I would not die without your love
Love, if you could call it that
More like hate
A suffocating dryness swallowing up my joy
Taking away the essence of me
Piercing deep within my soul
I am a woman, a woman
Beautiful and free
I have much to live for
Life is just beginning
I'm pushing down the walls you built
All the rules, the hurt, the turmoil and pain
I'm not walking on egg shells
Ever again
I'm a woman, a woman true
With passions and desires
With a heart like a lioness
I protect my young and those I love
You would do well to remember my wrath
My righteous anger
For all you took from me
At the end of the day
It is you who has lost out
Out on life, love and hope
Come into the light
Leave your baggage
Leave those burdens
Enjoy the freedom
Find love, find peace,
Find joy for your soul
Find life again, life to the full
Courageous Woman
I see the truth behind those scars
The mask to hide your soul
With one word, you cut me to shreds
Your face cold
You left me for dead
You said it was all my fault
You said I had to change
Every action, every breath
Was criticised to death
You pulled me down to an inch of myself
You made me believe the lies
Till all my hopes all shrivelled up
Till all I knew was this
The pain, the chaos, the endless turmoil
Dreams like shattered mirrors
Your words expose my nakedness
I tried to defend my very being
You held up your hand and silenced me
I tried to scream, bellow, curse
Nothing I did would get through to you
You were caught in a web of deceit and hate
Where you twisted words and actions
And took everything personally
Where you were right and the world was wrong
Where the world hated you so you owed it nothing
One day I broke away
I ran down the road in the opposite direction
The further I got
The clearer my mind
The less that I missed
All that was behind
I saw it was you
It WAS NOT ME
Little by little I remembered
Who I was
My dreams, my hopes
I realised that I still had a future
I would not die without your love
Love, if you could call it that
More like hate
A suffocating dryness swallowing up my joy
Taking away the essence of me
Piercing deep within my soul
I am a woman, a woman
Beautiful and free
I have much to live for
Life is just beginning
I'm pushing down the walls you built
All the rules, the hurt, the turmoil and pain
I'm not walking on egg shells
Ever again
I'm a woman, a woman true
With passions and desires
With a heart like a lioness
I protect my young and those I love
You would do well to remember my wrath
My righteous anger
For all you took from me
At the end of the day
It is you who has lost out
Out on life, love and hope
Come into the light
Leave your baggage
Leave those burdens
Enjoy the freedom
Find love, find peace,
Find joy for your soul
Find life again, life to the full
Courageous woman #1 Jan 20th 2015
It is six months since I rang my husband from my counsellor's office and said that our relationship was unhealthy and that I was leaving him. A month before that I had an epiphany when my friend and I went out for lunch. We were half way through when she excitedly said that her boyfriend would be moving in with her and her family in December and that they would be making the spare room into a baby room. The penny dropped - she was pregnant! She was eight weeks along. Instead of feeling happy for her and her partner I felt sick to my stomach. I lost all sense of appetite and sat the next hour in silence. Nodding my head and hoping that the smile didn't look as plastered on as it felt. In that moment, after five years of living with a violent man who dished out emotional abuse and manipulation day after day, I realised it was over.
In January 2014 I left him for the first time after he had an altercation with a man in the supermarket carpark. It wasn't any worse than any of the other episodes, it was just the final straw after months of seeing different counsellors, psychotherapists' and even a psychiatrist. None of this had seemed to help. This time, I had reached the end of myself. I couldn't do it anymore. I told the Police that I needed 24 hours break. I actually knew it would be longer than that but I didn't think he would have coped if I had told him that there and then. And so began the beginning of our 'trial separation.'
Initially, it seemed to be going well. But then old habits quickly kicked back in and before long I was picking up the pieces once more - zooming around the countryside after him. Helping him with assignments so that he got good grades that he never thanked me for, rationalising all of his verbal threats against my family and not speaking up when he said that violence in a movie made him feel 'excited' and not 'angry'....
So, when my friend said she was pregnant on that day in June while we sat eating McDonalds and McChicken Nuggets I just knew in the pit of my stomach that I needed to let him go. In a single moment my gut literally told me that I had gotten myself into a cycle of abuse that I needed to stop. Her pregnancy brought to light my own desire for a child. 2014 was meant to be the year that we would start to try for a baby. My sister had warned me that she felt it was best to start when he was well. I waited for that day through 2 and 1/2 years of marriage. On that day I realised that he was never going to change and that my dreams were never going to be fulfilled through him. It was an awful realisation and it happened in a heartbeat. For the first time in months I knew what I needed to. So I told him it was over.
Initially it was hell. I missed him terribly. I had done so much for him and he took up such a big space in my life and my thoughts and feelings that my life felt empty and void of meaning. I was also living by myself and I had nightmares and I couldn't sleep at night.
But through counselling and self-reflection I am getting there. It is taking time, but step by step I am stepping through the mire and heading towards the waters of healing.
Slowly God is repairing me piece by piece. He is rebuilding me into the woman I was made to be, His Woman.
He is making my feet beautiful. He is changing me from ashes into something new, something glorious. And he can do the same for you too!
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